Dan Shillam
Today we welcome Dan Shillam to our community feature page.
Dan has been an active journeyman on the King of Hearts path. Dan started as a member of King’s Council doing the deep 4-month intensive; he has since joined Roundtable Men’s Group to deepen and integrate the work. Now he has also joined the KOH Advocacy team.
Tell us about your story of navigating life as a man. (Challenges, milestones, desires, mental health experience)
Coming from a divorced family where I was introduced to addiction very early, I naturally became an addict just from trying to fit in wherever we moved next. Fortunately, I realized I didn’t want that life anymore; at 25, I got sober.
A few years later, I got married to my person and buried myself in getting a career and providing for my wife, all the while thinking that’s all I needed to do, and it was enough. Figuring I was facing it all alone, never really feeling or sharing, not even with the person I love and trust most.
Fast forward a dozen years of me coasting along, oblivious to the turmoil headed my way, mainly caused partly by my lack of action and awareness, creating a deep rift in my relationship.
This, mixed with the passing of my father, stepmother, and our fur baby of 13 years in a three-month window, I become overwhelmed with grief, depression, anger, and anxiety, all things I’ve never confronted before.
So instinctively buried myself in work, which only made matters worse.
I got to the point of not knowing where to go or what to do, couldn’t sleep, was physically ill most of the time and couldn’t do it anymore. I needed help, so I started therapy, both couples and grief counselling.
When I suddenly realized I needed a little more, I needed some actionable tools. I found KOH and a community of men just trying to navigate through learning about emotions and a place to give and receive various perspectives on life and all its trials and tribulations.
A place where you celebrate wins, hold each other accountable and support each other when times are tough, or some reflection of where you may be coming up short is required as a community, not alone.
As a result, I am better equipped to deal with the ebbs and flows of life. My relationship is stronger than it has been in a while, and life just all around does not quite feel so daunting!
Scenario: A man in your life struggles with mental health (emotional storm, spiralling downwards, stuck, etc.). What three simple actionable would you offer him to support him through this?
Get help. It’s ok; you don’t have to do it alone.
Find a community. Having a safe space to reflect, share and dig into the emotional side of life gives a lot of different perspectives. It makes you realize we’re all going through the same stuff!
Prioritize yourself. You need to be selfish about making your mental health priority number one. You can’t give from an empty cup.
What is your definition of a healthy and conscious version of masculinity?
You are being emotionally aware while living a life of integrity.
You are serving others emotionally and physically but maintaining healthy boundaries so you can give from the overflow of your entire self.
Showing up consistently and grounded no matter the results and being accountable for them, good or bad, knowing your actions and decisions come from a place of love and ownership.
What are a few masculinity stigmas you have had to reimagine along the way?
Masculine isn’t just “I am a man; look at me, I have big muscles, I chop down trees.”
You have to do everything yourself (being a lone wolf wasn’t working anymore)!
Guys, don’t cry. It’s ok to feel sad, happy, and mad. Emotions are indicators, not dictators!
Who are your current role models/mentors/inspirations regarding heart-based leadership? Explain in detail why.
My inspiration comes from all the men in my men’s group and the community I’ve found in Kings of Hearts. Finding the quality and quantity of people doing self-work inspires me to do better, dig deeper, and learn more!
What has been your biggest life lesson as a man thus far?
You can do it, and it’s going to be ok. If you live and act from your heart and a place of love, you can sleep at night knowing you’ve done your best and are ok with that.
